Charles "Chick" Chapple: I've never told anyone this before, but I'm afraid of flying. So it would be very embarrassing to die now.
Rockhound: You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark, which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Boy, that's bad.
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Man, what the hell are you doing with a gun on a spaceship?
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Right before A.J.'s dad died he told you to take care of his son. I don't think shooting him is taking care of him.
Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! Remember that one guy who worked all those years with one arm?
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Yep, but he wasn't very good.
F.B.I. Agent: Sir, we have a national security matter.
Rockhound: Good for you.
Lev Andropov: Don't touch my uncle! He is the genius of my family. He used to make the tip of the bomb, you know? That finds New York or Washington?
Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents' chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don't want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are wrong. I am right.
Rockhound: Why do I do this? Three reasons: the pay is good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives.
A.J. Frost: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars.
Col. William Sharp: Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's life, that you can hit that mark?
Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice!
Harry S. Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here in your age bracket. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option.
Grace Stamper: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.
President: We didn't see this thing coming?
Dan Truman: Well, our object collision budget allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and begging your pardon, but that's a big-ass sky.
Rockhound: This is so much fun, it's freaky!
Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.
Harry S. Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg!
Harry S. Stamper: How long have you worked for me, A.J.?
A.J. Frost: Five wonderful years.
Harry S. Stamper: And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here?
General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.
Oscar Choi: I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great---I'm so confused!
Harry S. Stamper: Come on! You're NASA for Christ's sake! You're the ones who come up with this shit! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up, and somebody backing them up. What's your contingency plan?
Dan Truman: Our contingency plan?
Harry S. Stamper: Yeah, your back up plan. You've gotta have a back up plan.
Dan Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan.
Harry S. Stamper: The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no?
Charles "Chick" Chapple: 20 years, I've never let you down before. I'm there.
Harry S. Stamper: Houston, you have a problem.
Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?
Dan Truman: Yes, yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.
Rockhound: I hate it when I know everything!
Rockhound: Hey Harry, you know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has two hundred thousand moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good doesn't it?
Rockhound: Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!
A.J. Frost: You know what I was thinking?
Grace Stamper: What?
A.J. Frost: I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.
Grace Stamper: Why?
A.J. Frost: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, I just-
Grace Stamper: Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.
A.J. Frost: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.
Lev Andropov: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!
Col. William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Air force, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.
Col. William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.
Col. William Sharp: Talk about the wrong stuff.
A.J. Frost: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.