[At the secret government lab.]
President Thomas J. Whitmore: I don't understand, where does all this come from? How do you get funding for something like this?
Julius Levinson: You don't actually think they spend $20,000.00 on a hammer, $30,000.00 on a toilet seat do you?
David Levinson: Must go faster.
Julius Levinson: If I had known I was gonna meet the president I would've worn a tie. Look at me, I look like a schlemiel.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: I saw... his thoughts. I saw what they're planning to do. They're like locusts. They travel from planet to planet, their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on. And we're next. Nuke 'em. Nuke the bastards.
Julius Levinson: Everyone's trying to get out of Washington, and we're the only schmucks trying to get in.
Julius Levinson: If you're so smart, tell me something, how come you go to M.I.T. for 8 years to become a cable repairman?
Captain Steven Hiller: Let's try that again.
David Levinson: Yes, yes. Without the "oops."
[Connie left David to pursue a career]
Connie: Haven't you ever wanted to be part of something special?
David Levinson: I was part of something special.
Captain Steven Hiller: I ain't heard no fat lady!
David Levinson: Forget the fat lady. You're Obsessed with fat lady. Just get us out of here!
David Levinson: You really think you can fly that thing?
Captain Steven Hiller: You really think you can do all that bullshit you just said?
David Levinson: They're firing at us!!
Captain Steven Hiller: Really, YOU THINK?!?
Russell Casse: I picked a helluva day to quit drinkin'.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: The only mistake I ever made was to appoint a sniveling little weasel like you Secretary of Defense. However, that is a mistake, I am happy to say, that I don't have to live with. Mr. Nimziki... you're fired.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: Take my word for it. There's no Area 51!
Secretary of Defense Albert Nimziki: Excuse me, Mr. President, that's not entirely accurate.
David Levinson: What? Which part?
Julius Levinson: All you need is love, John Lennon, smart man, shot in the back very sad.
Russell Casse: In the language of my generation up yours!
Dr. Brakish Okun: As you can imagine they don't let us out much.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: What do you want us to do?
Captured Alien: Die. Die.
Captain Steven Hiller: Oh, no. no, you are NOT shootin' that green shit at me!
[Julius discards a styrofoam cup.]
David Levinson: Hey, you have any idea how long it takes for those cups to decompose?
Julius Levinson: If you don't move soon, I'm gonna start to decompose.
Captain Jimmy Wilder: Let's kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy!
Captain Steven Hiller: Is that an earthquake?
Jasmine Dubrow: Not even a four pointer. Go back to sleep.
[People have gathered to welcome the aliens.]
Alien groupie: Oh god, I hope they bring back Elvis.
[After the aliens have attacked]
Teenage boy to girlfriend: This may be your last night on Earth. Do you want to die a virgin?
Captain Steven Hiller: I'm just a little anxious to get up there and whup E.T.'s ass.
[After smacking the alien in the head]
Captain Steven Hiller: Welcome to Earth!
General William Grey: Mr. President, I'd sure like to know what you're doing.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: I'm a combat pilot, Will. I belong in the air.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore.
Captain Steven Hiller: Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad... and what the hell is that smell? I could've been at a barbecue! But I ain't mad.
Captain Steven Hiller: That's what I call a close encounter.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind"... that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom -- not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win today, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, "we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight... We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate... our Independence Day!