[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.]
Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs the T-shirt. Spaceballs the lunchbox. Spaceballs the coloring book. Spaceballs... the flamethrower! Kids love it. And my favorite, Spaceballs the Doll -- me!
Doll: May the Schwartz be with you!
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
[Playing with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have my wicked way with you, the way I want to. [In Vespa voice] No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [In D.H. voice] Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you *know* it! [In V. voice] No, no, leave me alone! [In DH voice] No, kiss me! [V.] No! Stop! [DH] Yes, yes! [V.] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big!
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
King Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
King Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
King Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz::: Three.
King Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
King Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination an idiot would put on his luggage!
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us.
[As they are trekking through the desert]
Lone Starr: Water... water...
Barf: Water... water...
Dot Matrix: Oil... oil...
Princess Vespa: Room service... room service...
Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza The Hutt: Unfair to the payer but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza The Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
[Watching "Spaceballs: The Movie". They reach "now" in the movie.]
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Starr changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
[Guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks!
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
Lone Starr: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching "Spaceballs, the movie"]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Dark Helmet: Say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
[When Lone Starr and Barf stops on the outer space gas station]
Waitress: Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [Her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr. And his sidekick, Puke.
Yogurt: And may the Schwartz be with you!
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!