General Beringer: We've had men in those silos since before any of you guys were watching "Howdy Doody"! Now I myself sleep pretty well knowing those boys are down there.
[World War III is soon to begin, and they must get off an island.]
David Lightman: I can't swim.
Jennifer Mack: You can't swim?
David Lightman: No, I can't, OK, Wonder Woman? I can't swim.
Jennifer Mack: Well, what kind of an asshole grows up in Seattle and doesn't even know how to swim?
David Lightman: I never got around to it, okay? I always thought there was gonna be plenty of time!
Jennifer Mack: Sorry.
David Lightman: I wish I didn't know about any of this. I wish I was like everybody else in the world, and tomorrow it would just be over. There wouldn't be any time to be sorry about anything. Oh, Jesus! I really wanted to learn how to swim. I swear to God I did.
Mr. Liggett: Alright, Lightman. Maybe you can tell us who first suggested the idea of reproduction without sex.
David Lightman: Um, your wife?
Nigan: He does fit the profile perfectly. He's intelligent, but an underachiever; alienated from his parents; has few friends. Classic case for recruitment by the Soviets.
David Lightman: People sometimes make mistakes.
Joshua: Yes, they do.
Joshua: Shall we play a game?
David Lightman: Oh!
Jennifer Mack: I think it missed him.
David Lightman: Yeah. Weird isn't it? Love to. How about Global Thermonuclear War?
Joshua: Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess?
David Lightman: What is the primary goal?
Joshua: You should know, Professor. You programmed me.
David Lightman: C'mon. What is the primary goal?
Joshua: To win the game.
McKittrick: See that sign up here - up here. "Defcon." That indicates our current defense condition. It should read "Defcon 5," which means peace. It's still on 4 because of that little stunt you pulled. Actually, if we hadn't caught it in time, it might have gone to Defcon 1. You know what that means, David?
David Lightman: No. What does that mean?
McKittrick: World War Three.
David Lightman: Is this a game or is it real?
Joshua: What's the difference?
David Lightman: Oh, wow.
Stephen Falken: Now, children, come on over here. I'm going to tell you a bedtime story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent race of animals that dominated the world through age after age. They ran, they swam, and they fought and they flew, until suddenly, quite recently, they disappeared. Nature just gave up and started again. We weren't even apes then. We were just these smart little rodents hiding in the rocks. And when we go, nature will start over. With the bees, probably. Nature knows when to give up, David.
Stephen Falken: John! Good to see you. I see the wife still picks your ties.
General Beringer: Mr. McKittrick, after very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.
McKittrick: I don't have to take that, you pig-eyed sack of shit.
General Beringer: Oh, I was hoping for something a little better than that from you, sir. A man of your education.
David Lightman: Come on. Learn, goddammit.
[After playing out all possible outcomes for Global Thermonuclear War]
Joshua: Greetings, Professor Falken.
Stephen Falken: Hello, Joshua.
Joshua: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?
Jim Sting: Remember you told me to tell you when you were acting rudely and insensitively? Remember that? You're doing it right now.
David Lightman: Hey, I don't believe that any system is totally secure.
Stephen Falken: What you see on these screens up here is a fantasy; a computer enhanced hallucination!
General Beringer: Goddammit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!